Your Holidays, Your Choice, Your Peace
The holidays come with a script. Gather around the table, hug everyone at the door, pass the potatoes, and smile for the group photo.
The holidays come with a script. Gather around the table, hug everyone at the door, pass the potatoes, and smile for the group photo. For many of us, that picture is real, and it's lovely.
But for some, the season means a knot in the stomach instead of a warm glow. Maybe it's the travel, the money, or the loud uncle. But it may be much harder: sitting in the same room with someone who hurt you.
This situation is not uncommon. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, more than 90% of women and 50% of men who are raped are assaulted by an acquaintance or intimate partner. For survivors, “going home for the holidays” may mean sitting at the table with the person who assaulted them, feeling alone even in a room full of people.
If that's you, we have an important message we want to share with you: You get to decide what your holidays look like. You can go, you can stay home, or you can land somewhere in between. Whatever you choose, these tips can help you protect your peace.
Before you go
Remember: attending is your choice, not an obligation. No tradition is more important than your safety and healing. It’s OK to skip the gathering, arrive late, leave after dessert, or join by video. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation – “I can’t make it this year” is enough.
Make an exit plan before you arrive. Knowing you can leave makes it a lot easier to stay, even for a little while. A few ideas:
• Drive yourself, or line up a ride you can count on leaving when you’re ready.
• Pick an end time and tell one person you trust. Stick to it.
• Agree on a code word with a friend. A text that says, "Call me.” can quietly mean "Get me out of here."
• Keep an easy reason to leave in your back pocket, such as "I've got an early morning."
Know your triggers. Think about what might be hard ahead of time. It could be a certain person, a room in the house, a song, a smell, or that loud uncle we mentioned earlier. Once you know what to watch for, you can plan where to sit, who to spend time with, when to step outside for air, and when it's time to head home.
While you're there
Keep a few boundary lines ready. When emotions run high, it can be tough to find the right words on the spot. Having a short script ready takes the pressure off. Try these:
• "I'm not going to talk about that."
• "I'm going to step out for a minute."
• "No, thanks." (Repeat as needed. No explanation required.)
Ground yourself when things feel like too much. If your heart starts racing or you feel yourself drifting away, bring your focus back to the present. One simple tool is the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name five things you can see, four you can hear, three you can touch, two you can smell, and one you can taste. Slow breathing helps, too. Try making each exhale longer than each inhale. You can also press your feet flat on the floor or hold something comforting in your pocket, like a smooth stone.
Designate a check-in buddy. This could be someone at the gathering who knows what you're carrying, or a friend at home who expects a text from you every hour or so. Either way, it helps to know someone has your back.
Stay in the driver's seat. Holidays often come with celebratory toasts at dinner and fanciful cocktails. Pay attention to how much you're drinking and to the people around you, so you can stay grounded and keep your ability to leave whenever you want. This is about your comfort and control, not about anyone else's expectations.
After the gathering, and doing it your way
Plan time to recover. Even a day that "was fine" can leave you wiped out or on edge for days afterward. That's normal. If you can, keep the next day open to sleep in, take a walk, watch a favorite movie, or do whatever helps you feel like yourself again.
Start a tradition that feels good. Plan a “Friendsgiving” with the people who lift you up. You can also volunteer or spend a quiet day at home with takeout and zero obligations. These aren't consolation prizes. They're real, restful holidays.
For friends and family who want to help
If someone you love is a survivor, you can make a big difference this season, often without saying a word. Sit next to them at dinner. Change the subject if a conversation heads somewhere painful. Offer to be their ride, so they can leave whenever they need to. And if they decide not to come at all, respect that choice without guilt trips or pressure.
Most of all, believe them. Your support can turn a hard day into one they can get through.
You're not alone this season
There's no right way to do the holidays. Some years you'll want the big gathering, and some years you'll need to protect your peace instead. Both are OK. Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, and it isn't ruining the holiday for anyone else. It's part of your healing.